Parent to Parent: Playdate Safety – S4E9

[00:00:00] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: Welcome to The Parenting Brief. I’m your host, Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez, an Arizona working mom and chief of the Office of Children’s Health at the Arizona Department of Health Services. Are you pregnant or parenting a kiddo under the age of five? If so, this podcast is for you, with expert tips and advice you won’t want to miss.

[00:00:28] Playdates are so exciting for your little one, whether they’re playing at a friend’s house or hanging out at grandma’s. For parents, it’s important to make sure your child is playing in a safe environment. You want to know things like house rules on pool safety, prescription drug storage, if alcohol is in the house, and more.

[00:00:44] But let’s be honest, asking parents or family members about this stuff can be pretty awkward. That’s why today we’re talking about the questions you might want to ask with advice about how to handle these tricky conversations so that playdates can be worry free and fun for everyone.

[00:01:04] Joining us is Yomy Castillo, the Injury Prevention Program Manager at the Arizona Department of Health Services. We’re glad to have you back on the show, Yomy.

[00:01:13] Yomy Castillo: Oh, thank you so much. I’m happy to be back.

[00:01:16] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: So today’s conversation is going to be a little different. This topic is something you and I have both battled as parents in raising young children and we realize that this is something that everyone wants to be able to know and do, but there’s not very many experts on navigating these tricky conversations.

[00:01:34] So today we want to have that open discussion about the concerns and considerations we have as parents, and how safety sometimes has to overrule discomfort when we’re talking about them going over to other people’s homes, and how do we make sure that they are in good and safe hands.

[00:01:52] So first, let’s talk about the things that we think about when we think about our kids going to another person’s home.

[00:01:59] I know that we are not the only parents that stress and get anxious about where our children are and what they are doing. So, just off the top of your head, Yomy, when your kid says, hey, I want to go over to a friend’s house, what are those first things that pop into your mind?

[00:02:17] Yomy Castillo: Who’s going to be there? Does the mom know? How well do you know them? Do they live far? Do they have a pool? Do you know if they have guns? Like, I want to know all these things because I want to make sure he’s safe and I may not necessarily have an everyday interaction with the parents, but I’m going to ask those questions. And then I’m going to be the parent that is going to, if they’re going to come over, they’re going to, or he’s going to go over, I introduce myself, “How are you?”

[00:02:44] Like, I want to see who they are. I don’t just drop my kids off.

[00:02:47] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: Yeah, I think my kids have a tendency to make all of the plans at school in, you know, in kindergarten, in preschool. They’re like, “Hey, I’m going over to so and so’s house.” And it’s like, really? That sounds cool, but, uh, who are these people?

[00:03:05] Yomy Castillo: That’s so true. You know, even up until my, well, one of my other children, even when she was a sophomore in high school, she was like, “I’m going to go to my friend’s house.” And I was like, “Okay, I’m going to drop you off and I’m going to go inside and I’m going to meet the parents.” Like, I need to know who these people are.

[00:03:19] You know, you just don’t know in today’s time.

[00:03:22] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: I think that it is normal and acceptable to say, “I need to know who the parents are,” to meet the parents, to know where they live.

[00:03:31] Yomy Castillo: Oh, yeah.

[00:03:31] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: And even to ask questions about who’s going to be there, and even about the pool, right? Like, I think that there’s some questions that are just appropriate to ask that everybody is okay and fine with.

[00:03:45] Yomy Castillo: Absolutely.

[00:03:46] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: But we know that a lot of the danger is not in those comfortable spaces. We know the number of reports that we see in the news and then in our child fatality review report of those dangers that are uncomfortable, about weapons in the house, about drugs, about alcohol, even about access to the internet, TV, movies.

[00:04:18] So how do you navigate some of those really hard topics in assessing safety when your kid wants to go over to somebody else’s house?

[00:04:30] Yomy Castillo: First, I talk with my kids. I always, always start with them because I know that, as a parent, you’re trying to teach them right from wrong. So let’s talk about drugs a little bit, right?

[00:04:40] So my first question is, do they have older brothers? Do they have older sisters? Because that’s going to kind of put in perspective, not that the parents can’t do all of that, but you know, if they have a high schooler, you know, I want to know because they tend to- it’s a little bit different environment.

[00:04:57] So then when we start asking, “Well, who’s going to be there,” if I know that the older brother is there, when I go to introduce myself or drop them off, like, “Hey, Ezekiel told me that you guys are going to be here. Is anyone else going to be here?” You know, and that’s how I kind of form along that.

[00:05:11] As far as weapons, again, I start with my kids. “You’re not supposed to touch those ever,” before we even go anywhere. And then it’s, “If you see someone or you see somebody is touching it, what are you going to do?” And to him, it’s, you tell an adult. That is how I have prefaced it. I’m not telling you, you can’t have one or there shouldn’t be one, but what are you going to do if you see that in that situation? What is going to be your next step?

[00:05:40] So I put up some onus on my child, but also then when I am taking my son to this home, it’s like, “Is there anything in the house that you need to tell me about?” I kind of leave it up to the other parents too, you know, like I’m putting some onuses back on them too. Because it’s their home and they’re allowed to have what they want in their home, but also ensuring that when my son is going to be there, or my children for that matter, that I’m asking all of these cues so that open dialect can happen at the time of drop off and pick up essentially, you know.

[00:06:08] And if something happens, then tell me about it. Don’t let me leave without, and that’s kind of what I do when I pick up and drop off. “How was their time? Did they have a nice time? What happened?” And I have that conversation in front of my child and that other parent at the same time. So that there’s nothing that can be, you know, as a surprise later.

[00:06:27] And I know you do that, Jessica, with your children, right? I mean, you have those same conversations.

[00:06:32] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: Oh, yeah, absolutely. And I try to have some of those even beforehand if I can, because we know in the moment, we know some of those conversations are harder face to face. We know that at the point your kid is excited to go to this birthday party or, you know, to spend some time with their friend and you’re at their front door, having that conversation and then finding out something that might be unsafe and then having to kind of backtrack and be like, “Oh, you know what? I’m going to stay.”

[00:07:04] That’s usually how I’ve handled that, is I’m like, “Hey,” you know, “here’s some questions. Hey,” you know, “A, b, and c, any weapons in the house? What is the pool situation? How many other adults are going to be here?” And then I have absolutely in those moments then been like, “Hey, are you okay if I stay for the party?”

[00:07:21] You know, we’re talking about some of our younger kids, that shifts. I also have an older kid, and it is not as cool to have your mom say, “Hey, I’m going to stay,” when, you know, they’re 13, 14 years old, although I am not above that.

[00:07:36] Yomy Castillo: I’ve done it.

[00:07:36] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: You know, but I also think that that’s one of those ways of being able to manage some of that discomfort is making sure that you also are planning to stay.

[00:07:47] Yomy Castillo: Yeah.

[00:07:48] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: I mean, we even know, even in the best of circumstances. Managing a household full of children during a birthday party or a sleepover or whatever the case may be is insane. It’s pure chaos. And so even having those extra adults around is helpful anyway, but I know that’s how I’ve navigated it is I’m not making other plans during that time.

[00:08:09] I’m making sure that I’m available if they need me, but also making sure that if I need to stay, that I can stay if I’ve had those conversations at the point of drop off. Otherwise, trying to have some of those and navigating them even before, which can be super tricky and really uncomfortable. And I’ve been met with some of that resistance before of feeling like the other person feeling like I’m accusing them of not having a safe home.

[00:08:38] And so, I mean, I’ve certainly learned along the way, but asking flat out, “Do you have weapons in the house?” Can sound really accusatory.

[00:08:46] Yomy Castillo: It can. It can.

[00:08:48] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: So how do you soften some of that? Should we soften at all? How do we ask those questions in a way that isn’t offensive while still being able to get the information?

[00:09:01] Yomy Castillo: You know, there’s no right or wrong way to do this. There is no parenting manual. There is no 101. You kind of learn these things on your own. And so, you know, I always try very, to be kind, number one, but number two is I think, you know, I just ask.

[00:09:17] I just ask, “Is there anything in the home that we need to discuss? Is there anything that is going to be unsafe for the kids while they’re here?” And my hope, like you, is that the parents are going to be open to that, and that they’re going to be okay. Because I’m thinking they would want the same for their child. They’re going to want the same for their own children.

[00:09:37] And so if they’re feeling offended by that one particular question, then I’m not going to say, “Well, you can’t be friends with them, son.” But I think we’re just going to step back a little bit, and we’re going to reevaluate what is going to be best for us and my family. And it’s okay to do that. And you should feel okay to do that.

[00:09:57] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: Yeah, I think that’s a good point is we think about how we align some of our, you know, family rules and what our expectations are. And at the point that there may be another family or a friend that doesn’t align with those personal rules, beliefs, values, morals, whatever that may be, that assessing whether or not it is appropriate to, like you said, not to say you can’t be friends with them, be friends with them, hang out at school and be kind and, you know, build that friendship and that relationship, but we have different family values.

[00:10:35] And so, you know, we’re not going to go over, you know, to their house.

[00:10:39] Yomy Castillo: We can meet.

[00:10:41] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: There you go. That’s exactly what I was about to say is then that shifts, right? Like, we want our kids to have these diverse friendships and be inclusive. And, you know, we don’t want them to be friends with only those who look like us, parent like us, values like us.

[00:10:59] But that safety concern is always there, and so how do we do that differently? And I love that idea of meeting somewhere else, having that neutral location for a play date. That it doesn’t have to be at somebody’s house and that you can still support that friendship and those relationships along the way. And I love that idea of suggesting that neutral location.

[00:11:24] Do you have any other advice to help parents in keeping their kids safe when they’re outside of their home in these other spaces, in these other individuals’ homes?

[00:11:35] Yomy Castillo: My only thing is start having the conversation. Just open the dialect, start talking, and be at ease and know that you are trying to do the best for your child.

[00:11:46] Your child may not like it, but you as a parent are trying to do it for the best of their interests and for their safety, and it’s okay. And just start having the conversation. That’s it.

[00:12:02] Jessica Stewart-Gonzalez: For more resources on keeping your kids safe wherever they go, you can find them in this episode’s show notes. While you’re there, hit the follow button so you don’t miss our next episode. Help make these important conversations a little smoother by sharing this episode with your parenting circle.

[00:12:17] Until next time, this is Jessica. You’ve got this.